Let's just say you're surfing over to Facebook to read a wall post that Facebook notified you of. Convenient, right? Wrong. Because now you will be exposed to the excruciating details of your Friends' lives. Oh, you're watching the VMAs? Kanye West did what?? Spare me. Better yet, spare me your "goodnight fb" status. FB won't miss you overnight, Becky.
Moving along, you, Facebook Douche, are the one whose profile resembles the following.
1. -Your picture is always you surrounded by your friends. You apparently have a rule for this in which "no exceptions" applies.
-You are posing with the Hooters waitresses. Really? You're not fooling anyone. This says "douche" more than it says "playa."
-Your senior pictures. You look better with airbrushing, I'll give you that. But we all know what you're trying to do. You're throwing your line out to sea, hoping to catch the compliment catfish. Remember though, only your besties think you look simply stunning in that pic.
2. -Your status is a totally gay song reference. i.e. "Love Drunk" (especially, ESPECIALLY if you're a dude)
-Your status suggests you are doing something that takes less than 5 minutes to do.
3. Your interests include partying and beer pong.
4. Your favorite music is Nickelback and Kenney Chesney.
5. Your favorite TV shows include, but are not limited to: The Hills, Sex and the City (seriously?), Family Guy, and "MTV shows."
6. Your favorite movies include, but are not limited to: Scarface, The Notebook, Sex and the City: The Feature Film (seriously?), and Twilight.
7. -Your quotes are lines of famous philosophers that don't reflect your lifestyle in any way.
-You quote yourself. Wow, kudos.
8. Your favorite book is I Don't Read. This one has been on the best-seller list for a while. (zing!)
9. You are In a Relationship with someone named Tanner.
10. Your About Me section gives stats that only your doctor should be made aware of. You weigh 120 lbs.? Who'd have known. 5'7" ? That's good, I'm starting to put together a mental image. Jesus, anyone looking at your profile should know that you have brown hair and a tan. Yeah, a tan. Stop wasting my time.
11. You have 1000+ pictures. Frankly one is too many, Ms. Sally McNoface. No one cares about your trip to High Hill and who you went with. You have no business documenting every move you make and slapping it on Facebook for the whole world to (not) see. Stop worrying about taking a good Facebook pic and at least try and enjoy you're trip to High Hill. Am I right?
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