The Hallway Again?

So hey, the gym is two blocks away and free for you, man. I know this because we're in a goddamn dormitory, so you must to be going to the same college I am. Why in the blazin' am I seeing you EXERCISING in the hallway? Tense times have been looming, so perhaps I'm being harsh on you. Save my soul if I can't walk down the hall and round the corner in peace, but instead have my whole field of vision surprise-attack taken (attacken' if you will) over by the sight of you at the end of the hallway,in a shocking & shirtless gorilla-like stance, doing god knows what "exercise," that is preceding one gross protein shake. I like run-on sentences, not running into you. You couldn't even have managed to do this bullshit inside your room? The footballers above mine certainly don't hold back with the racket I hear these days. Yeah, I have a sneaking suspicion you wanted, and are blatantly trying to be seen in this state. Pathetic, man. Thank god I didn't have to pass by you. I'm actually too furiously confused to think about how I would have handled that. Is it too much to ask to hold the hallway true to its mere passing through function? The madness of the world is right in front of my eyes. I could use less of this, honestly.

Idiot At First Sight

The minute I saw you, and the minute you opened your mouth I knew I was in for it. Why did I get a new job?? I'm going to have to stand next to you for the next three hours and endure this chatter. Can you not tell by my bored reactions or at least see through my half ass attempts at pretending to listen that I'm not really interested in conversing with you? Within ten minutes you've all ready brought up two morbidly sad subjects: a personal death and 9-11. I just met you. Sorry to hear this, but I apologize to wonder as to why you didn't just keep this to yourself. Oh well, you've quickly moved on to some helpful "tips" for the new employee that's unfortunately me.
"Oh--next time, I'll show you the best way to roll that burrito." I'd rather just throw the beans and rice in your face to get rid of my first problem.
"My sister's name is Maggie" Good for her?
"Wait till you get to know Paula. Don't get on Paula's bad side-"
"Yeah I try not to do that when I meet people,"
He didn't even give a questioning look, "Yeah for some reason I just can't do anything right according to her. I mean I feel like I'm a likeable person and all, but she just hates me." I couldn't imagine why?!
I really can't remember what I responded to this although I'm sure it was the lamest attempt at caring. Thanks for sharing, you idiot. You're just about clueless. Paula and I were getting along fine exchanging looks on behalf of your behavior, and I smiled every time she yelled at your ass. Always trust the sassy black woman!

Don't You Love It When

...you're simply strolling along and out of nowhere comes Someone Serious D. I happened to see your leg out from behind the corner, and sir you sound pretty upset; it's now rather inevitable I'll be droppin' some eaves: "I just feel like, you don't depend on me like you should depend..."at this point I'm focusing on holding my laughs, because you'd hear me. Dude you're in the middle of the hallway? About to cry?
Um, sorry. Maybe you should have actually made the effort to go to this independent person's house.
Needless to say, I decided to take the same route back from the laundry... and five minutes later, still about to cry: "well if you can't understand that then its never gonna be you and me." Talk about this timing. I pictured a door slamming into your confused face. I don't know what you're doing with your life, out in the open, loudly upset for everyone walking around to hear. What's going on? Caught in the rain I guess, Someone Serious D.

Bitch, Please

Everyone takes a tumble every here and there...and it's hilarious. So funny, I can't even recover from the fall because I'm laughing too hard. I'll admit it---I'm the asshole trying to hide a flourishing smile when everyone else is in a shock of a situation. Hey, why get all hot & bothered when you can laugh? Welcome to the theme of my life. So you bet I'm annoyed when I hear you were giving me snarky looks for falling up the stairs, this time rather nonchalant: I was on the move towards the dwindling keg. When you got one thing on your mind, you got one thing on your mind. Good thing too, if I'd actually taken notice to you after everyone else had a quality laugh on account of a healthy fall, I would have thrown my philosophies in your face. Get off your high horse, because it's shitting beans everywhere. The flies don't even want to see you rolling your eyes and passing dirty glances.

Hey, thanks!

The only good thing about not having a say on your own room's freezing arctic temperature is that your water bottle stays a nice cool.

Douches of the World Wide Web: Happy Easter!

Mr. Photographer

Put it away. Away, I said. Waving your camera all over the place and what not, at all hours of the night? If I may, I believe the term is "cease and desist." Generally, I prefer direct light to remain out of retinas, yet here you are blasting up the place like National Geographic just discovered a new species. Snapshotting for a documentary, eh? No? Just an asshole? Got it. If you want to know the truth, I don't enjoy flashes in my face, especially when it hits that point of the night when my eyes have proceeded to glaze over and, having crossed into "hot mess" territory, the infamous red flush appears. It is simply inevitable and I would appreciate your discretion. And don't think I don't know what you're doing. You want to race home so you can prove to the good people of the interweb that you had a, er, night on the town. Jesus H Christ! I'm pretty sure when Kodak was inventing their slogan they didn't have your ridiculous behavior in mind. In my opinion, cameras were invented to capture, I dunno, say, nature's goodness. Maybe to remember Nana and Pep Pep after they've passed into the great beyond. Not you and your lifeless friends who, if I may say, look like they no doubt share my conviction.