Excuse me, there's a sticker on your hat

Funny running into you. While I have ya here, I should probably be a good Samaritan and let you in on a secret: you left the sticker on your hat. Oh really? You meant to leave it on there? Well that's just douche. 

You see, stickers are awesome. I by no means want to point the douchenozzle to the stickers. I'd be so much happier if that hat of yours had on it a bear that is dressed like a pimp and has rainbows shooting out of it's ass. That'd be something to wear around on ya hat. Who doesn't love Lisa Frank?

What I'm confused about is why you guys need to leave the shiny price tag stickers on your hat. It doesn't make me believe your hat is "authentic." I could go in any hat store, peel off that same sticker and put it on Biggie Small's top hat and call it the real deal. Frankly your hat looks ridiculous with a bubbly sticker on the worn out rim. The only thing the sticker's doing is showing me how old it is. You don't buy a shirt and leave the tag on, so you don't leave the goddamn stickers on!

Then don't deliver pizza, ya turkey!

Oh, Pavel. You crazy guy you. Notha day, notha dolla, am I right?

Damn dude. Wasn't expecting to find a hysterical middle aged Iranian on my hands when I stepped out to grab meh tasty Domino's. Apparently I provided you with some false information. Yes, the address is incorrect. Because I don't live here. Quite simply, I had some hankerings for a delicious pizza whilst feeding my sister's cat. In all fairness, Pav, you're standing half a street's length from where you expected to drop off the 'no's. So please refrain from insisting I'm intoxicated or downright accusing me of being crazy. I'm not the one hollering in an utter stranger's face for losing 15 minutes off a shift. Seriously, 15 minutes? No need to declare jihad for that one, Pav. You're just lucky this Domino's is no lie, or else I probably would have enjoyed chucking it at your be-speckled head.

We All Know One

One glance, you know where he's been. You know why he's rockin some 'tude. Very disagreeable. He's on loan from the Army! Now I gotta listen to this guy talk (Kentucky accent most likely present) about what's wrong with the world. Let's start with what's wrong with you. Bahh must you use motherfucker in your every phrase? A Word of Curse must be used sparingly, or else you risk reviving the bubonic plague. (Please reference "It Hits the Fan" for more information on this subject.) Now I'm no stranger to cursing mindlessly, a trait I can only attribute to being raised in a household where cursing was appropriate when one dropped one's pencil. Or some other similar, typically non-rage inducing scenario, such as a light bulb burning out. However, Sporcle.com seems to agree that your cuss words are not in the top 50 most common English words! No ands, ors, or buts about sir! (which are included in top 50) Now then. Assuming you understood my South Park reference, if only because it says shit a hundred times and not because you understand the genius that is South Park, I hope you will do better in the future.

And with that haircut, you're just too cool for school! I don't like you.

I Beg Your Pardon? Part II: The Douchening

Ho, hum. Here I am... merely strolling on the side of the street (no sidewalk to behold) enjoying a snow cone with a close pal. Hmm, what a nice evening to meander down the-

BLAAANNGGGHHHHHH!!!

Someone just lost their shit.

I bet you can guess who it is. Yep. Asshole Douche. So we meet again!

"Are you really that stupid?!"

Cool those jets, friend. I was probably "in your way" all of two seconds. No need to honk that horn and launch your head out the window to casually abuse me. And from the looks of you, gotta be pushing what, 50? 60? Curmudgeon. Lemme just run this by you... before you waste your wheezy air bellowing insults at two teenaged ladies, pick up one of those handy Rules of the Road pamphlets they've got down at the DMV. It should mention something about "pedestrians" and "right of way" but I'll leave that up to you to discover. Though I should point out that most pedestrians are in fact assholes, I must argue that I'm on a road that more resembles a parking lot than an actual street that cars barrel down on.

Besides, in a few short years you will know how it feels to be honked at on the road, in or out of the car. Because let's face it. Old people (you) are slow, partially deaf (fully deaf?) and partially blind (fully blind?). I'm looking forward to the day when your license is taken away for running down hippies at a farmer's market. Then we shall see who has the upper hand!

Best wishes.

I Beg Your Pardon?

Listen buddy, it's not my fault that it's my fault. You were in my blind spot... My car should probably be in the water, the length of it. So I wanted to switch lanes: my sincere apologies that you also decided to fly into this newly-formed lane a few cars behind me ( I can't see you there!) at the exact same time. My insincere apologies that I almost hit you.  Right away I said sorry and waved across both of our open windows.  What else can I do for you? A "fuck you" or "asshole" yelled back at me would have been preferable to the five-minute bitch fit you just screamed across lanes. Really now? I apologized, so you should probably move on with your life. Holding up the rest of the traffic to scream at me for quite a while is a bit of a stretch. If you're gonna try and yell at me about "how to drive" and to "look where I'm going", maybe you should try not going 50 in a 30 (especially when you're maneuvering around cars because a separate lane was just formed.) I always look over my shoulder when I switch lanes: that's the same moment you came flying out of nowhere, and I stopped because I almost ran into you. I'm only sorry to the universe about the doucheness boiling over the whole situation.

Upon further review, It would have been more satisfying to have just plowed into your car, because the freely acquired boat I'm driving wouldn't be missed.

Shirts Encouraged

Oh hey guys, catchin' some rays? Right outside my window? Your friend in the yellow may be thinking the same thing as me: I say this only because I think he's giving you the same look I am. What the blazin is going on? You've been sitting out on this bench, shirtless, doing what exactly? Ahh...being a doucher. It'd be one thing if you came out yesterday, with the girls who had towels, tanning oil, and music--laying out in the middle of a muddy lawn getting trampled over by frisbee fanatics. I  could then see your true purpose: getting your bronzer on in the douchiest way possible. But here right now, just chillin on this bench with your homeboy in cargos, I think you need everyone's eyes just to be seen, and you'll pawn it off as just trying to "get tan. " This behavior is not helping your case, and in my opinion unacceptable. Go find a pool.