Rule # 1: Make contact daily. Whether this be through an online medium or other means, make sure to get your message across indefinitely. Leave no doubts that you are trying to stay in touch. This is essential! She must know you are going to great lengths to harbor a relationship with a perfect stranger. You don't want her to think you're a slacker, do you? Of course not.
Rule # 2: Pray for a response. When that doesn't work, send a follow up email. Playfully hint that you think she might not be that into you. That is sure to send her on a guilt trip right into your weak arms. It is important to say something along the lines of "Oh, thanks for not replying to my message... ;)" or "I get it.. you're too good for me... ;)" A winking emoticon will play up the fact that you are simply a flirtatious jokester. This will cause her to reevaluate her initial impression of you, which was, of course, "hopeless case of Desperate Douche.''
Rule #3: Pepper your conversations with vibrant non sequiturs. Maybe mention that you shot a deer and now her mom will have one less deer to worry about eating up all her flowers. (What?)
Rule #4: Try to recapture her attention with some witty snide remarks. Maybe comment on her reasonable, affordable car. For example, "I saw you driving that gay ass car of yours the other day..." Hope for a reaction. When no reaction comes, say it again within the next few seconds. "At least you admit your car is gay!" Now it will be nearly impossible for her to ignore your weak jokes. Remember though: Be playful! You are a sexy, playful kinda guy. Remind her that you are above reasonable and affordable: you are all about gas guzzlers and noisy spinouts. And Dodge Chargers.
Rule #5: Lack of enthusiasm on her part of a tired conversation should not be a deterrent. Instead, be persistent. Ask questions. Point out stuff that no one else would think to point out. Tell her she looks like someone you know named Stacy. Mention that even though the two of you have been neighbors for years, you have never met. Giving someone an awkward guilty conscious is a sure-fire way to get into their pants. Remember that and look for the outstanding clues: Does she ever initiate a conversation? Does she ignore your Facebook messages? Does she carefully avoid giving you her number when asked for it? Don't worry: she's just playing hard to get. Remember. That.
On that note, I wish the best of luck to you!
Over and out,
Advocator for the Desperate Douche
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